Christmas Wish

Yay for snow in Newark! Let me say that my company (bcbs of nj) Never ever shuts down earlier and lets us go home. Well Our main headquarters are in Newark and apparently it was like a blizzard up there... and whoohoo we got to go home early. That never happen, Our department was like a bunch of 2nd graders who just saw santa! lol....

Well all my xmas shopping is done. Cant say the same for ray though.... I dont even think he has started to shop for me.... I honestly dont even really have a want for anything... except a child. But unfortunatly, Im the one who isnt able to give him that at the moment. I dont have a need or want for anything. When I want something during the year, I go out and get it. I told him I do want a new dinning room table.. and of course he pissed his pants laughing. He thought that "house hold items were against the law to buy a wife for xmas" lol and that I quote. I told him I didnt care. we are going to get one anyway so why not save money and just buy it for me for xmas? We shall see though.... seriously if "santa" could bring me some working ovaries that would be awsome too!
So I went for more blood work on Wednsday morning.... I have to call the dr after Xmas to see what the next step is for january's cycle. Im really starting to lose hope. I know I say never ever lose hope... But its just so hard. This time of the year is so hard. I want a family. I want a family of my own to start christmas traditions with. I want to see the amazing expression on my childs face when santa comes... I want a child! After all isnt that what the holidays are about.... Family?
I guess I should just be greatful for the things I have. An awsome husband, a great job, a house that we work so hard to have.

It's just so hard to stay positive and not lose hope when you get the constant reminder month after month, test after test, needle after needle, of how you really are failing. Im not use to not getting what I set my mind for. I've always been goal oriented. I set a goal.... and I get there... no exceptions. I work my ass of to get there but the important thing is that I get there..,,,
This goal is......... Is extremely hard and impossible.

Have a Happy Holiday If I dont blog before christmas!!

xoxo Jamie