Normal

Normal.... a word that I never here when it comes to me and any kind of test I take lol. Dr S called me yesterday to let me know that my Thyoid level is at a normal level now... So that means the meds are working! yay! He was still concered about my sugar though. He said he would like my level to be at 100 or lower and mine was at 118. So We will work on that still. So we will start off the new year with some good news.... We are starting another round of Clomid, this time with all of my levels being normal (i love that word heh) We will do a couple rounds of IUI's (artificial insemination) and than move onto IVF. Dr S said he is confident that now that all my levels are going good I probably wont need IVF. Lets hope he is right.
Ray and I still have no clue what we are doing for new years eve yet and its tomorrow! I know that I have to work which blows but what am I gonna do?

Well Everyone have a safe and happy new year and please dont drink and drive!!!
goodbye stinking 2008!!

Jamie xoxo

Love it!

I found this while surfing around on other peoples blogs.... Its wonderful!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.I will notice everything about my child.I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.I listen.And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown

pooped!!

Well I hope everyone had a great Christmas and their Santa was good to them. My Santa was awesome! He brought me 1 karat diamond ring (for the right hand) I was very shocked! Better than my dinning room table! :) And of course Santa was very good to him this year! This year I was just not in the Christmas spirit, In fact Friday night when I came home from work, Ray and I went to home depot and bought a bunch of crap... we are finishing the molding in our house.... Crown Molding! YAY!! lol So I decided before we start ripping the house apart... Christmas stuff needs to be gone. So at 11:30 Friday night I took the tree apart and to the curb it went... everything else in the attic! Yay I have my house back! ;0)
I'm so grateful that Ray is so very handy when it comes to doing things around the house. Friday While I was at work He finished the shelving system in our master walk in closet! And than today we decided to start the crown molding! He is doing some kind of custom work...3 piece crown molding.... I cant wait until its finished! Its going to look awesome I will def post some pics! I'm pooped... I think I had the hardest job today. Unfortunately in our 10 year old house they decided to do popcorn ceilings.... so in order to lay this "custom" crown molding I had to scrap the popcorn crap off of the ceiling! Not fun, i have bloody knuckles... my house is a mess, and i had plaster in my hair ! yuck!
I am really starting to fall in love with our house.... while we agreed we would only fix this place up and sell it in 5 or so years..... I'm going to be sad when we move... We moved into this house it was a dump! we did a lot in two years.
well I'm off to bed... me and my aching body! I will post pics later!
night!

oh yea.... RE will call me on Monday for the next round... Lets hope 2009 is much better for us in the baby department!

booo freakin whooo

Dammit! My RE calling this morning at 11:53.... normally I would be excited to hear from him, except this time he called my HOUSE and I was at work. Im so pissed. Normally he will call my cell phone and tell me whats going on. Now Im thinking Im probably going to have to wait until monday.... Im not sure if they are open tomm and he inst in on fridays! Im pretty sure that its the results from my blood work and he is going to tell me what drugs he is putting me on now to get me ready for january but still... I wanna know now! Im not going to be able to sleep. No... not because santa is comming bc DR S left a message and didnt tell me anything! lol
Im suppose to me baking now! I have a lot to do. Im off tomorrow so who cares if im up til 2am baking! lol I have oreo truffles to make, 2 carrot cakes, a chocolate cake and macroons for mommy dearest!
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope santa is good to you!

XOXO
Jamie

Christmas Wish

Yay for snow in Newark! Let me say that my company (bcbs of nj) Never ever shuts down earlier and lets us go home. Well Our main headquarters are in Newark and apparently it was like a blizzard up there... and whoohoo we got to go home early. That never happen, Our department was like a bunch of 2nd graders who just saw santa! lol....

Well all my xmas shopping is done. Cant say the same for ray though.... I dont even think he has started to shop for me.... I honestly dont even really have a want for anything... except a child. But unfortunatly, Im the one who isnt able to give him that at the moment. I dont have a need or want for anything. When I want something during the year, I go out and get it. I told him I do want a new dinning room table.. and of course he pissed his pants laughing. He thought that "house hold items were against the law to buy a wife for xmas" lol and that I quote. I told him I didnt care. we are going to get one anyway so why not save money and just buy it for me for xmas? We shall see though.... seriously if "santa" could bring me some working ovaries that would be awsome too!
So I went for more blood work on Wednsday morning.... I have to call the dr after Xmas to see what the next step is for january's cycle. Im really starting to lose hope. I know I say never ever lose hope... But its just so hard. This time of the year is so hard. I want a family. I want a family of my own to start christmas traditions with. I want to see the amazing expression on my childs face when santa comes... I want a child! After all isnt that what the holidays are about.... Family?
I guess I should just be greatful for the things I have. An awsome husband, a great job, a house that we work so hard to have.

It's just so hard to stay positive and not lose hope when you get the constant reminder month after month, test after test, needle after needle, of how you really are failing. Im not use to not getting what I set my mind for. I've always been goal oriented. I set a goal.... and I get there... no exceptions. I work my ass of to get there but the important thing is that I get there..,,,
This goal is......... Is extremely hard and impossible.

Have a Happy Holiday If I dont blog before christmas!!

xoxo Jamie

And Another one bites the dust

Another cycle Failed! I don't know what I get so upset and disappointed by it. I'm use to it...I've had the same outcome for the past 28 months. I guess I still have that little bit of hope. You can't lose hope right?

So this morning I'm at work in the bathroom washing my hands and this lady comes in. I've never even see her before, and asks how I am. I reply "I'm OK, and you?" Even though I wanted to say really? do you really wanna know how I feel? I'm Infertile dammit, I suck But i couldn't.... she was a stranger lol. So after I ask her how she is, she turns and says "Oh I'm just pregnant". Great I said to myself. The day I find out another cycle is down the drain... this stranger tells me she is pregnant. I was thinking to myself there has to be some hidden camera somewhere. After I walked out of the bathroom, I thought to myself do I have the word "infertile" stamped on my forehead... "please tell me that your pregnant"

I know your probably thinking I'm being a bitch. But I didn't know this lady from a whole in the wall. and if we didn't have such high security like fort Knox to get into the building I would say she didn't even work there. :) Its different when someone you know tells you they are pregnant. but not a stranger on the morning you find out you failed AGAIN!

So I have to go next wed to have more blood work done and to start all over! Yay! Im so glad this is the last month of 2008. Im sure hoping 2009 will treat me better.

2 more weeks for santa!! YAY! ;0)

My friend Bethany came over to hang out with her daughter Samantha, got some cute pics of her

It's The Most Wonderful time of the year

Yay! I love this time of the year . We had a very busy weekend. Last week we went and got our christmas tree and put it up. This weekend we decorated with lots of lights and decorations etc.... I love it! I love it I love it! lol I went and did some christmas shopping this weekend and Im almost done.... I Like waiting until the last minute though. Im probably the only one.

Im not sure why I like it, but I love the long lines, and the crazy busy stores and the christmas music playing. This year people seem to be actually kinda of nice..... not sure why. :0)

I think waiting until the last minute just reminds me of when I was younger. Me and my little brother would go to the mall christmas eve to finish our shopping for mom and dad. Than we would get some lunch and try to remember not to eat meat.... for some reason that was always hard! I also ventured out over to Columbus flea market to get a few things... let me remind you that its an outdoor flea market. There was snow on the ground, it was about 30 degrees out, and the wind was brutal! NOT SMART.

Speaking of mom, Ray and I went up north to my parents house on saturday for my moms birthday. My brothers were there and my grandma and grandpa come over it was nice. I made an awsome dinner and desert. Its was just awsome time. I love being with my family.... They really are the best. I'll leave you with some pictures From this weekend

Happy Birthday Mom

Our Mantle and Fireplace

Goldie

Our Tiny Xmas tree

There is a first for everything

So I use to feel ashamed that I was classified as an Infertile. I felt that I had to be ashamed, I must have done something so horrible that now I'm getting punished for it. But than I started to really sit back and look at the big picture. It was nothing that I or anyone else did. Sometimes Life just hands you lemons, and what do you have to do? Make lemonade of course.

I started this blog to help people understand me and my feelings.

My husband Ray and I started TTC(trying to conceive) 27 months ago. 1 year after starting I of course being a worry wart went to the OBGYN trying to figure out what the hell was going on. After the many tests and the start of many poking and jabbing at my arms, They found it! I have PCOS (Poly cystic ovarian syndrome). Basically I have a bunch of tiny cyts in my ovaries that cause me to have issues. Weight gain, acne, not producing eggs to ovulate. The most important. So I was put on meds and on my way I went.

Shortly after that I was ordered to see a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). He was awesome did a bunch of ultrasounds and put together a treatment plan for me to start with. And Off I went with my box of goodies (aka drugs). I started my IUI's September 2007. After taking many different nasty pills to help you ovulate, jabbing my self in the stomach with needles.... Failed, Failed Failed. Nothing!

After being denied by the insurance company ( for whom I work for) I had to wait until the 2 year mark because I'm under 30. So this September we went to see a New RE. Who totally blew me out of the water. I thought my old RE was heaven... boy was I wrong. My new DR. Again ordered many tests and the jabbing and stabbing starts again... or So I thought.

Got the call from the sweet nurse at the RE (they soon start to feel like your bff's they know every personal aspect about you, and you talk to them daily ) Dr wants me in ASAP.

So we trot our way in... and sure as shit he found something else.

Under active thyroid. the normal level for your thyroid should be between a 1-2...mine was a 5. Not horrible, but not good. He said even If I was to get PG in more than likely would have ended in a miscarriage. So Off I go with more meds to start and another game plan.

So here we are. DR is giving us until January. If I'm not PG by than.... than ill be jacked up on a bunch of hormone therapy and the start of more IUI's it is.

I cant not tell you the amount of tears I have shed in the past 2 years... There definitely isn't draught in my neck of the woods. Infertility is something I do not wish on my Worst enemy. It is an emotional roller coaster.... One I never signed up to ride.......

*Jamie*