Dreams do come true

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

Sorry about the not writing in a month.. Life has been pretty busy and I had to make sure everyone in real life knew that we are PG before they read it on my blog
I am so thrilled and excited to finally be pregnant. It felt like we were never going to get here. After the many days of "knowing" I wasnt pregnant last month... I was so wrong. Dr S confirmed it over 2 weeks with Beta test every 3 days and my levels just kept rising.
We had two ultrasound already
the first one was on 4/13 where we saw the little blob and heard the heartbeat.. It was music to my ears. We went again this past monday and the heartbeat is up from 109 to 139. And the little blob grew a lot in a week... He is now 1/2 inch lol.
I was feeling pretty good for a while, however the past week has been rough... between the tiredness and the morning sickness that last all night its been hard to get out of bed. I have been trying to go to the gym. Its been a struggle I just have to try not to be so hard on myself and know that one day I will get my energy back!!
Our due date is 12/5 I can not wait to go threw this journey and so thankful to be here!

Friday

So Friday is the day! I go for my beta if my period doesnt come first. Honestly.... I was excited for this day 2 weeks ago when I had my IUI but now... not so excited! I know im not pregnant! I know friday is just going to be another confirmation of how much of a failure I am! What a waste! I feel like im taking all these drugs, jabbing my stomach with all these needles for no reason wha so ever! Why is this so difficult!
This was our last month to get pg in order to have a baby for 2009.... and everyone keeps reminding me of that and it sucks!
I can not wait until May... Our yearly vacation to disney! I just need to get away for a little bit! I need a mental vacation!!!

Positive thought!

Sooo we went yesterday for our Insemination! and everything went well! I had 2 great large follicles that were over 20mm. And Rays count was over 12 million which is awsome! Ideal is 10 million~ So we got great news all around!
As I layed there the doctor told me to lay for 15 minutes and only think happy positive baby thoughts! lol So thats what Ray and I did.... and now everything I say something negative... ray reminds me happy positive thoughts! he is so cute!
So in 2 weeks hopefully we will find out that there is a llittle bun cookin in the oven!
Keep your fingers crossed and the prayers going!!'

xoxo
jamie

Never lose faith right?

So We are in the middle of IUI #3. I went yesterday to Dr. S, everything looks ok... I only have one egg that was about 17MM. I have to go back tomorrow morning so here is to hoping its at least 20MM so we can do the insemination on Saturday! I have to do my trigger tomorrow! Im not thrilled about it! I'm not afraid on needles, Im not afraid of anything really when it comes to the medical field... except for not being able to become pregnant! So tomorrow I will jab myself in the stomach with a needle and pray that this cycle works!
I try to stay positive but sometimes its just so hard! There is this song thats actually on my playlist by Josh Groban called Believe... Its on his christmas album.... I listen to it all year long! It gives me hope.. It makes me feel good! Its just such a positive song! I think that if anyone was to have a horrible day and they listened to this song... They would just feel a little bit better!!
I love music! Country is my Fav!! I tell Ray all the time I should be a cowgirl... he just laughs! I believe in music... I think music just carries such a powerful message.... and I feel that there is just a song for everything!!

Well heres to believing that something good is coming my way!!

xoxo
Jamie

Its so Hard

Its been 2.5 years of trying to make a baby! 2.5 years of let down after let down. I honestly Just can't take it anymore. While its not definite yet that this month is a bust just yet, I still just know. I have a feeling. I will find out friday. But I know my monthly friend is getting ready to rear her ugly ass face in!
Im drained. This is the second IUI. My emotions are just shot. Its really getting hard to deal with, especially when there are very few people in real life who understand what your going threw.
Its hard to talk to people about it. I feel when I bring it up to them it make them uncomfortable. and than they say they are sorry... and than I feel like an ass... They shouldnt be sorry. They dont know how I feel... and They really shouldnt. They dont have to know what it feels like!
I just want one chance to have a miracle... just one.. and I dont get why its so damn hard!
I need an emotional vacation!!

nope... not this time either

Im so freaking pissed off at my body. I really hate it! There is no other word strong enough than the word hate!
Saturday came, I was all excited, felt great. Went to see Dr. S He did an ultrasound of my ovaries to make sure everything was good to go... Well in order for him to do anything your follicle must be 20mm or more.... I had 4.. yay great! 2 were 6mm and the others were 17mm and 16mm. NOT GOOD! AT ALL! I almost wanted to break down and cry.... But I held it together. So now I have go back on tuesday to see if the grew. Dr S is thinking that maybe it was just early in my ovulation... but I really dont think so. I took an OPK today and nada... nothing... So Im pretty sure that was a big huge waste of time.
I just dont get it... what do I have to do to have my dream that so many people take for grantite?

Im beyond hating my reproductive organs right now!

Saturday!!!

WOoohoo! Saturday is the day.. IUI here we come. I go in at 9am. I wanted to go skiing after that but im thinking thats a no no! My dr would confirm that as well im sure.
Super bowl sunday was a good time. We went to our friends house up north and had a really nice time! Our friends brought there little 10 month old there.... Its always hard to be around something you want so bad... But it actually wasnt bad at all. The kid is the cutest little boy I have ever seen! So cute!
Cross your fingers for satruday!

Please Pray

Finally some progress!

I never thought I would be so excited to get my little monthly friend!

Finally, after 17 days of wondering where the hell it was. So I got my drugs. Tomorrow we start clomid, I have to go in on saturday morning feb 7 for an ultrasound and to make sure that a- there are some follies there to even attempt the IUI, and B that there arent too many! Im super excited and cant wait.

Although I am crazy nervous about the Clomid! I hate taking it... as with any infertility drug it gets your hormones all jacked up.... As ray calls it... I get the crazy clomids lol.. Crazy side effects! and of course i have to get all of them! The crying for no reasons, the hot flashes, migraines, nausiousness... everything!

So Wish us luck! Keep everything crossed that we are on a path to something good here!!



Jamie

It still burns

So Dr S called today to confirm what I already knew... Im not pregnant. I dont know why it hurts so bad but it does. I mean its been 28 months of negative after negative. You would think that it would get easier... But in fact, It keeps getting harder and more depressing. Dr S said that I have to call in 10 days or when my monthly friend comes... which ever is first. Im hoping I dont have to wait another 10 days for it! this is nuts!

So what does one do when she finds out this horrible news?

She goes to the gym and beats the crap out of a freestanding bike, and a punching bag.... good way to get some anger out... but than I got home and realized that this isnt going to be a fun night.. I totally forgot that I had to make a diaper cake for someone for a gift for a freakin baby shower.... ughhh! not a fun night at all...

well here is some pictures of it! I cant lie... i actually enjoyed doing this! I love doing all sorts of arts and crafts crap! its relaxing!

Waiting Waiting

The story of my Life...

Ifeel like this is never going to end. I feel like Im in some bad dream. The Cycle we are suppose to start clomid again and go ahead with more IUI's and my freaking period still isnt here! I have taken 2 HPT tests and both are NEGATIVE!?!? I just dont get it... I have never ever been late... I got my hopes up thinking woohoo this is our month! Just to be let down again!

I went on friday to get my beta done. Im still waiting for that call back to confirm that Im not pregnant! I've never had to wait this long. its pure torture!!!!

Ray and I went to the poconos this weekend! It was awsome! We had a great time. It was my grandfathers birthday on saturday so he actually ended up comming. we had a great dinner and some awsome cake! Saturday we went skiing and snowboarding! It was FREEZING! 10 Below! They had frost bite advisories all over the mountain! Lol never seen that before!

Now its back to reality!

Heres to hoping Dr. S will call shortly!

Heres some pictures from the weekend

Come out Come Out!!

Come out come out where ever you are....
Sooo Period is 2 days late... and a BFN!!! WTF of course this would happen... Im suppose to start my meds this cycle. Is that some cruel freaking joke? Because really? Im not laughing.
Why do these things happen to me? Why why why.
I feel like im going crazy asking myself all these Why's and not knowing the answers.
I will give it until friday and than call Dr. S... that is if he doesnt call me first.
Ray and I are suppose to be heading out to my grandparents pocono house with my brother and his girlfriend this weekend.. for some R&R and some skiing and snowboarding! Woohoo cant wait. I'm dieing to go sking!
Have a great night

sick....ugh

Its been a while since I've updated this thing! sorry about that! Nothing new here. Just waiting to start the next cycle. Should be any day now! I've been so sick for the past 2 days with the nasty stomach virus! not fun!
I started the new year by joining the gym... I was going to go to the free one at work but I figured if I'm paying for it I would be more serious about it! Its been great so far. Monday i had a workout with a personal trainer and boy did he kick my butt! It was rough! but it was great! I cant wait to do it again! I figured it would help me take my mind off of somethings.... and of course help me lose some of this extra weight i put on in the last 2 years.
I hope everyone had a great new years... we did nothing. We stayed home and played scrabble! it was actually nice... I don't think Ray and I have ever stayed home for new years!
Ray finished all the crown molding in the house now it just needs to be finished! What a process that was it took forever but its done and looks great! As soon as I feel better I will post some pics!
Well that's all for now!

Jamie xoxo